drieux

In the vein of the last post, let's keep going on the same topic: Christmas Specials. For instance, which are my favorites? I know you care, because otherwise I wouldn't spend so much time typing meandering, self-serving nonsense onto the internet as though my opinion meant more than a random hunk of dog shit that even the most crack-addled hobo wouldn't eat.

So, here are a list of my favorites. This changes each and every year, since my preferences alter depending on the year and what's happening in my life. So if I were you, I'd make sure to check with me each year, so you know what's good and what's not and you don't go trying to think for yourself, loser.

-A Garfield Christmas

You could say that "Garfield" sucks. You could say that his creator, Jon Davis, is an unfunny hack who has beaten a tired, one-note premise like a retard in puberty beats their member, until it's raw and purple and can't even ejaculate pizza and pudding dust. You could say that every moment of Garfield has been nothing more than a sad, lame money-grub, from start to finish.

You can say all of that, and you'd be right, and I still love this special. While I don't laugh at what are intended to be its jokes, I still find its third act touching. I won't spoil it for you, but aliens arrive and disintegrate Jon, leaving Garfield to care for his retarded dog-brother Odie.

That's not the ending at all, but what does happen - involving a widowed older woman and reconnecting with a loved one - is very nice.

-Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas

Almost everybody else I show this one to calls me insane. After being accused of that, I stop masturbating, put my penis back into my footy-pajamas, pick up my box of Lincoln Logs and Yu-Gi-Oh cards and tell them that this kind of thing doesn't fly in PirateLand and march out, stopping only to twirl three times before walking out the door to prevent the Lion-trolls from getting into my head-thoughts. I mean, what the hell, right?!?

Anyway, everybody else is wrong. This is a solid special.

It centers on a young otter named Emmet, since it's not called "Douchey FartTurd and his Rapey Adventures." He and his mother are very poor, which is relatable. I mean, not to me - I bathe in $100's and wipe my ass with $20's - but with Christmas coming they can't afford to get each other gifts. The special centers on their efforts, and features the most awesomely-named band of bad guys EVER. Watching this is a guaranteed awesome time.

-Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

This one has it all - a protaganist that doesn't fit in, is cast out, finds his way in the world and eventually is redeemed. It also has a narrator that was one of the biggest drunks ever, who somehow became everybody's favorite boozey uncle that sang Christmas Carols and told them about "shanny cluz 'n hz rundoor."

This one is just a blast from start to finish and has a great cast of characters that Rudolph and his friends run into. Good times.

-A Charlie Brown Christmas

This is one that has really improved for me as I've gotten older. This is perhaps the most bittersweet, melancholy Christmas special ever made. It starts somber and ends just slightly less somber, with the major success being that the crappy tree Charlie Brown picks gets fixed up into a prettier tree. Moreso than any other special, this one preaches what we all eventually have to learn: Christmas is what we choose to make it, and although each and every day can be a miserable trek through hell, we can still find joy in the parts that we decide matter.

This one also features my favorite soundtrack to the holidays, a downbeat jazz trio playing the songs with occasional choral vocals. To watch this is to see puberty brought to life, with all its disappointment, self-realization and the knowledge that your life is yours to control, as sad and miserable as that may be, so get to living it.

And the absolute worst special ever:

Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

Whoever created this special hates Christmas, children, fun and chocolate. They like to give out Milk Duds at Halloween and their idea of a funny joke is talking about how their mother contracted AIDS during a blood transfusion. This special is worse than watching German pornography with your grandmother. Avoid at all costs, which shouldn't be hard since it sucks so badly most stations would rather air an informercial where people pretending to be doctors talk about how to have more regular bowel movements.

Any I missed? Let me know.