drieux

I recently discovered a new way to make yourself go completely batshit insane. Start by watching - from the beginning, mind you! - a classic Holiday movie or special. Watch as whatever conflict or problem the characters initially have is steadily resolved through:

-Christmas Spirit
-Family Togetherness
-The Kindness of Others
-An Overwhelming Feeling Of Goodness

...and then, just before the resolution, flip over to FOX News, any financial channel or even the nightly national news. Watch for a few minutes, and then your eyes will explode and your brain will ooze out of your earholes and suddenly you'll see a bright light, which would be great if it wasn't just the final electrical impulses bursting through your frontal lobes before it sends the last message to your heart to stop pumping.

Which made me think: if these specials or movies were written nowadays, how would they go? Hmmm...

Miracle on 34th Street


In The Original: An old man enters the life of a doubtful woman, her child and a lawyer in New York City. He claims to be Santa, and eventually finds himself in a mental home. However, because he's so kind and pleasant he inspires others to believe in him, despite the risks to their professional careers, until eventually he is freed and proven to be Saint Nick.

In The Modern Version: After claiming to be Santa Claus, the man is fired from the department store and prevented from getting Unemployment, because it is possible he was high on PCP. He can file an appeal, but first must obtain proof that he was NOT high on PCP at the time, because he's in a Right-To-Work state. Unable to obtain such proof and already broke, he can't find any legal help, so he gets a job as night manager at a Del Taco. He intends to save money to fight the legal battle, but eventually succumbs to a drinking problem, dying in a disheveled hotel room at the age of 68 alone on Christmas Eve.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer


In The Original: Because of his glowing nose, Rudolph is ostracized from the rest of the reindeer. He runs away, only to eventually return and save his family and be vindicated when his glowing red nose prove to be a huge boon to Santa in bad weather, proving that it is our differences that make us special and that you should never judge others for physical differences, because you never know when they'll be for the better.

In The Modern Version: After Rudolph is born, multiple religious figures take to the airwaves, appearing on "FOX & Friends" and on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, decrying his existence as a godless Liberal tactic to lure kids into gay marriage and sinful indulgence with bright colors. Rudolph swears that he was just born that way and there's nothing he could do about it, but Jerry Falwell and other Right-Wing leaders work together to raise the funds to begin voting in Propositions in multiple states, banning reindeer with bright noses. Rudolph gets frustrated and occasionally goes overboard with the meth in loud dance clubs, but eventually resigns himself to the fact that he'll have to keep fighting, at least until all these old religious nuts die and people just get over it.

A Charlie Brown Christmas


In The Original: Always reliable for a glum holiday, Charlie Brown enters the Christmas season as depressed as ever. When he becomes upset with the overwhelmingly commercial aspect to the season, he tries to uplift himself by purchasing a Christmas tree as glum and sad as he is. Of course, his peers insult him for his choice. However, a speech by the resourceful Linus reminds everybody that the meaning of the Holiday is not expensive gifts or beautiful decorations, but the recognition of sacrifice and selflessness, of which we are all capable. The whole group works to make the tree beautiful, and they unite in song.

In The Modern Version: When he's once again rejected by his peers, Charlie Brown retreats into his bedroom. He begins downloading albums from Emo and Metal bands and spends the rest of the holiday season doing nothing but listening to music and whining to his parents to take him to Hot Topic. When all the kids see him again on the first day of school after the holiday, he's dressed all in black, with leather wristbands, big boots and wearing a wool hat with a Sepultura logo on it. He answers every question with a smart-ass answer and starts calling everybody who doesn't dress like him "sheep." In fact, Charlie Brown becomes completely intolerable, going from a sweet, shy boy into a defensive, passive-aggressive know-it-all douchebag. All the kids agree they should have just let him buy the stupid, crappy tree, but now they're stuck with him and his bullshit at least until he decides he wants to have sex with girls.

A Christmas Story


In The Original: We experience the joy of Christmas through the eyes of a young boy in the 50's, with all the excitement, hope and joy. With his family, Ralphie deals with the painful wait as you get close to the big day and in the meantime, deal with the family foibles, arguments and misunderstandings. But through it all, Ralphie's family loves one another and manages to make it through a tumultuous season, even when the family's turkey dinner is ruined and Ralphie's most-desired gift, a Red Ryder B.B. Gun, doesn't end as he had hoped.

In The Modern Version: Because of the economy, Ralphie's dad has lost his job and not only does it look unlikely that Ralphie will get his B.B. gun, but they might lose their house. Ralphie's dad becomes a contracter with the U.S. Army, currently the only place he can earn nearly as much as he used to doing the same kind of work, and so he ships off to Iraq. He hopes to make it back in time for the holidays, and he sure does - but, whoops! He only comes back because he was blown up by a land mine! Ralphie's dad loses all his limbs, and because he was only in Iraq for 87 days - not the 90 the U.S. government says is required to qualify for health benefits - he has to pay for his own rehabilitation, fake limbs and wheelchair, leaving the family so financially crippled they end up moving into a government housing facility. Eventually Ralphie becomes a gang-banger and he DOES get a gun - but this time it's an illegal handgun he keeps tucked into the band of his sweatpants that he uses to rob old ladies at ATM's. Ralphie is eventually shot dead by a Korean grocer on Christmas Day when he's 20, because he was trying to get money to buy Crack for him and his old lady to smoke in their trailer. At that time he is a father of five.

A Christmas Carol

In The Original: A nasty miser, Scrooge is a greedy shyster who wouldn't pee on a poor man if they were on fire. He overworks and underpays his loyal employee, he ignores his nephew and generally is an awful man to all of humanity. During the course of one night he is visited by three spirits, who show him the ways in which he incrementally abandoned other people, despite a few kind souls who tried to show him the way. He is also shown the effects of his greed on the world, and his eventual destiny: to be as loathed and hated as what he has presented of himself, rotting in a lonely grave and most likely burning in Hell for his choices. He awakens with a new lease on life, eager to join humanity and spread joy, finally treating others as we all hope we can, redeeming himself and making the world a better place for it.

In The Modern Version: After a consultant gives him a study stating that incidents are .09 percent less likely to occur in the two weeks before Christmas, Scrooge, the CEO of ScroogeCo. Inc., lays off more than 250 employees from his factory. Scrooge cites as the reason a dip in stock prices, meaning in the last quarter he earned only $2.12 Billion, instead of the $3.57 Billion that would indicate the 30 percent quarterly growth that is stated in the company manifest as its goal. Because of his shrewd business sense, Scrooge is awarded a $1 Billion Holiday bonus for the cuts and the stock price of ScroogeCo. Inc. goes up by 34 points on the Dow. At some point some spirits come to visit Scrooge, but he's at his corporate-funded retreat, entertaining some key stockholders, pollsters and lawmakers in Jamaica, so the spirits can't find him. Scrooge eventually dies with more than $100 Billion in the bank, which his family will utilize to make sure they never work again, all the while living the high life while people all over the world starve and have to sleep under celebrity magazines that feature the same family members, partying at million-dollar parties wearing hundred-thousand-dollar outfits, drunk and flashing their vaginas.