NEVER NOT FUNNY SEASON FIVE

[scamboogah]

I was gonna say that Domino's already did this, but I guess this is more of a pizz-urger...

[jcarlon]

Gotta be one huge patty!!

[isoS]

Yeah, custom giant patty and custom giant bun. The trick is that the bun can't be too thick... But also: no flatbread! And also, these things will cost $300 per Bza to make. That's cool, right?

[Cameron]

Matt,

Burger-za reminded me of a magical/abysmal place in Norman, Oklahoma (my home-town) called Big Ed's. They made a giant burger that was cut like a pizza and shared.

If you won the Big Ed's Challenge (I'm sure you can figure out what that is), you could get your picture on the wall next to Big Ed (RIP) Himself:

I used to love Big Ed's, but sadly all but one have closed, and it's now called Big Dee's. Apparently he passed on the restaurant and morbid obesity to his daughter.

[Darryl]

Yeah, custom giant patty and custom giant bun. The trick is that the bun can't be too thick... But also: no flatbread! And also, these things will cost $300 per Bza to make. That's cool, right?

I was picturing the actual Burgerza to be bunless, but cooked in a way that the bottom is crispy to give it body and not fall apart. Also, the burger meat would need to have breadcrumbs or some other binding material so it won't be crumbly. I also picture it being served with a basket of wedged-shaped rolls which the diners serve their slices onto, if desired.

I also picture myself having spent way more time thinking about this than is healthy or normal.

[brewcaster]

I also picture myself vomiting in a few seconds.

[bridgetosolace]

I was picturing the actual Burgerza to be bunless, but cooked in a way that the bottom is crispy to give it body and not fall apart. Also, the burger meat would need to have breadcrumbs or some other binding material so it won't be crumbly. I also picture it being served with a basket of wedged-shaped rolls which the diners serve their slices onto, if desired.

What you're picturing is more of a meatloaf burger. Similar, but not really a burger. It would be baked as well.

Here's how you make the giant burger (I'm guessing):

A) The burger needs to be frozen. It will take a long time to cook, but it the bottom will be caramelize on the bottom, keeping it together, while the top will still be cold enough to keep it's shape. Imagine cooking a large bubba burger, if you've ever had those.

B) The burger doesn't have to be really thick. A giant 1/3 or maybe 1/2 pounder is going to be less than an inch of meat. Not that terrible to keep in one piece. Any thicker than that and the portions/price will be unreasonable.

B) Maybe a giant George formal grill? Flipping this thing will be a DISASTER.

C) the basket of wedge shaped rolls defeats the whole spirit of the burzza. The idea is to have one communal burger. that you slice and then enjoy. Not a communal piece of meat that you divvy up and then assemble. These are not burjitas, for god's sake.

D) this idea really falls apart at the toppings level. Having someone assemble their own toppings is antithetical, but at the same time the only thing people agree on less than pizza toppings is BURGER toppings.

In similar news, I think burzza > burgerza as far as names go.

[KeithTalent]

I was picturing the actual Burgerza to be bunless, but cooked in a way that the bottom is crispy to give it body and not fall apart. Also, the burger meat would need to have breadcrumbs or some other binding material so it won't be crumbly. I also picture it being served with a basket of wedged-shaped rolls which the diners serve their slices onto, if desired.

I also picture myself having spent way more time thinking about this than is healthy or normal.

Google "meatza"

[WhoRadley]

Can you guys hear that? It's the sound of Jimmy puking as a result of reading the last 10 posts.

[TacoSmith]

I loved Maria's ball-busting of Jimmy. I didn't see it coming!

[Darryl]

THE BURGERZA IS TEARING US APART!!!!!!

DAMN YOU MATT AND YOUR ENTREPRENEURIAL WAYS!!!! DAMNNNNN YOOUUUUUUUUU!!!!

[punkdc]

What a great ending to season 5. Like always, best season yet.

[JPSpaulding]

Hunting Spiderman in the heat of the urban jungle like a wounded Bengal Tiger, wearing a vest made out of a Lion...

Thats so Kraven!

[isoS]

What you're picturing is more of a meatloaf burger. Similar, but not really a burger. It would be baked as well.

Here's how you make the giant burger (I'm guessing):

A) The burger needs to be frozen. It will take a long time to cook, but it the bottom will be caramelize on the bottom, keeping it together, while the top will still be cold enough to keep it's shape. Imagine cooking a large bubba burger, if you've ever had those.

B) The burger doesn't have to be really thick. A giant 1/3 or maybe 1/2 pounder is going to be less than an inch of meat. Not that terrible to keep in one piece. Any thicker than that and the portions/price will be unreasonable.

B) Maybe a giant George formal grill? Flipping this thing will be a DISASTER.

C) the basket of wedge shaped rolls defeats the whole spirit of the burzza. The idea is to have one communal burger. that you slice and then enjoy. Not a communal piece of meat that you divvy up and then assemble. These are not burjitas, for god's sake.

D) this idea really falls apart at the toppings level. Having someone assemble their own toppings is antithetical, but at the same time the only thing people agree on less than pizza toppings is BURGER toppings.

In similar news, I think burzza > burgerza as far as names go.

Allow me to retort!

Here in L.A., where people care way too much about burgers, you go to a revered burger joint and just accept the toppings they put on their standard burger. Sure, you can special order, but then you're an asshole. These people are burger craftsmen, and they know what they're doing. Going in, the ethos is, "Let's see what these folks think makes the perfect burger." (One exception is this place on 6th St. in Koreatown called Cassell's that everyone loves where you do your own toppings at a salad bar type thing. Kind of gross, but the burgers are good.)

Anyways, we would have a few different burzzas (I agree on the name point) on the menu, but I think it would really just be with or without cheese, and then with or without bacon. The rest is up to me, because I know what's what, and when you come into my place you're putting your trust in my vision of what a good burzza has on it. And that's shredded lettuce, thin-sliced tomatoes and a house-made Russian/1000 island type dressing. Condiments will be on every table if anyone wants to go beyond those parameters (ketchup, mustard, relish and chopped onions, all of which I like but won't force on others). Pickles will be outlawed.

[scamboogah]

Pickles will be outlawed.

That's it. I'm investing in Caesar Creamer.

[isoS]

Enjoy your salad

[bridgetosolace]

^ Don't forget the ice cream.

I'm pretty sure the Dave Holmes taste test told us all what a horrible fiasco the idea of group burger toppings is.

Another thing I'm unsure if is why exactly a communal burger is better than an individual one. If the burger was any good, the second you cut into it the juice was run out and make the bottom bun soggy and gross. Now imagine that being delivered to! Eek! Wouldn't end well.

[Darryl]

That's it. Forget it. I'm going to find that Spectral Burger place on the road to Lake Arrowhead.

[DiggityDawg]

Sure, you can special order, but then you're an asshole.

Man alive...we've come a long way from "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce - special orders don't upset us".

[isoS]

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