Okay, new, tighter version, because I like workshopping jokes and endlessly rephrasing them.
This girl got mad at me because she said I didn't click the "Like" button on enough of her Facebook Statuses. And the next thing she posted was "RIP Brittany Murphy". So I clicked "Like" and posted "Yeah! Fuck that bitch! I'm glad she's dead!"
It turns out that wasn't what she meant.
Aight, you know when a muthafucka be like "Yo, much love to my girl who just passed. RIP Britney Murphy." Then some nigga be like, "Yo, I gotsta give props to that." And I'm sitting there like, "What you given' props to? 'Cause she dead?" That's some messed up shit, man. That'd be like applauding after a eulogy. And you know that ain't right! Am I right? Come on!! Damn.
That's your best bet, in my opinion. Also, if you could say it through a puppet I think it'd be tops.
Hmm. I have some new material I've been working on; but I don't know how I feel posting it here to be read instead of seen as a performance; know what I mean? Eh fuck it. So here's my new shit I wrote...I'll be starting to work it on stage in a couple weeks I think.
I've been married for five years now, and I have a three year old son. And let me just say that no one warned me just how fucking different domesticated life would be from single life. I'm not saying this is a bad thing: But marriage and kids will fuck you up. In many ways it's a great thing. It's just that perspective shifts so much that you're left not knowing which way the wind blows most days...
That said, the day my son was born was an amazingly unforgettable day. I just remember at one point holding my wife's leg, staring life's Genesis in the face, or, well, not in the face, maybe more like staring life's Genesis square in the twat. Anyway, I'm there, watching my son literally enter this world...and I flashback, 18 months previous. I was single then, my Dad had just been put arrested and we had no idea when he'd be coming home; and I was paying a Las Vegas escort 200 dollars to watch me jack off for five minutes. And she didn't even get naked. Actually, I think it was 400 because after I came (in four minutes) I passed out and she stole another 200 out of my wallet, I'm pretty sure. But to her credit, she never batted an eye when she watched me do my thing.
Thinking about it, sex workers would be the best diplomats ever. They can be involved in the most disgusting activities with the most heinous people on the planet and you'd never see it in their faces or in the tones of their voice. I also realized while watching porn stoned the other night. Porn stars deserve accolades and awards. Pushing through lines while simultaneously pleasing six Croatian men with their anuses...anai?...is something I doubt Meryl Streep has done...Julia Roberts, maybe. But M.S., nope. "That's hot. Ouch! Fuck me right there! Ouch." Fucking Brilliant!
So obviously I’ve really never been all that normal when it comes to sex. But I am inventive...innovative even! For instance, over the years I have developed a way to have sex with a lady and not impregnate her. That's right, up until I met my wife I never wore a condom; and I never got one woman pregnant.
It was really easy, I’d just get rock hard, put it in her vagina, pump two times, and then finish on her stomach. It might take me anywhere between 30 seconds to 15 minutes for me to finish this way, but I always felt real good, and I never got her pregnant.
So when my wife and I were dating and we first got to the moment of sexual liaise , I started doing my thing; pumped twice, pulled out and started finishing. She looked up at me and said “What the fuck are you doing?” I said, “Not getting you pregnant. Duh.” She said “You were barely inside for any time at all. You might as well just be jerking off.” And this really kind of confused me because when I jerk off I like to finish inside.
She's fucking smart. She was also the one to figure out after months of trying to conceive my son, and trying every sexual position possible, going to doctors, having my sperm counted, the whole nine yards we just couldn't get pregnant. Then one night she says to me "Why don't you fuck my pussy first." And it was like the clouds had parted...two or three weeks like that, BINGO! She’s pregnant!
So definitely the day my son was born was very momentous for me; and I’m thinking the next one will be as well. In fact, my wife and I are already trying to conceive the next one. I think this conception attempt will go much better than the last. You see, my wife has been studying books on how to conceive, and she even thinks that she’s cracked the code on gender selection at time of conception.
She said that all I need to do is think about the gender of the baby we want, just before I cum, and that will do the trick. It’s so easy. Right before I finish, I think really hard “LITTLE GIRL, LITTLE GIRL, LITTLE INNOCENT BABY GIRL.” I don’t know how well it works, but I do know it’s hard to watch “A Baby Story” without getting a boner now.
You stole that from Taxicab Confessions, James. Nice try though.
Ha ha ha.
Last edited by James Smann; January 27, 2010 at 10:37 AM.
The best part about reading that was that I didn't have to sit in a dark room praying to Jesus that the person saying it didn't make eye contact with me at any point.
Fuck, man, are there supposed to be jokes in there or is your hope that the audience just feels slightly sick afterwards?
"Even gutter hags trump pretty boys." - BabyCakes
I guess to me there are definitely jokes in there, absolutely. And part of the reason I don't feel 100% comfortable putting written material on a board like this is because so much of what I do is based on inflection, tone and performance. But that being said, I absolutely love that story/bit I put up there. I think it's really good and I can't wait to really perform it.Originally Posted by scamboogah
And yes, I know it's definitely "out there" and "Creepy" in parts...but I'm kinda way okay with that. But if your question is did I write any traditional "Setup-Punch" jokes; no. I don't really write material like that...I like to pepper things in here or there, but for the most part what I do tends to be narrative and the funny comes in the weird premises, crazy thoughts, etc. of what I do...Might explain why I'm 30 and still freaking people out...but it's what I do...
Last edited by James Smann; January 27, 2010 at 10:54 AM.
You probably should've posted it in the 'I don't want your help, my jokes are great' thread then...
"Even gutter hags trump pretty boys." - BabyCakes
Hey, Scammy, don't take offense at me defending my material. I know you're a smart and funny guy; and so am I. I was just giving you clarification on what exactly it is I "do" in my "comedy." Okay? I'm not saying you don't have the right to tell me that what I put up was creepy as fuck and kinda out there. I was just acknowledging that it was, but that I also feel weird because it reads one way but probably will come off much differently when I deliver it live.
I didn't say there wasn't room for improvement in it. But your question of "Are there any jokes" was kind of just a shot at whether it's funny or not. And I myself don't personally think you need jokes in the traditional sense in order to kill and get laughs. That's all. Just stating my philosophy as it were so that you have an understanding and not approach your HELP with me on it from the angle that I want to have set-up/punch in my material.
You've given me critique on the short film I posted up and I didn't take it personally, so do me the courtesy of not implying that I think my shit doesn't stink with this bit as well, okay?
I hate cynicism.
(This concludes our little play).
"Even gutter hags trump pretty boys." - BabyCakes
I'm not being cynical Scammy. You're either trying to fucking troll me up into a frenzy or your motivations are somewhere else that I can't figure out. Nowhere did I say "Hey check out this bit I wrote and don't critique it because it's perfect." You asked (kinda harshly, btw) if there jokes in it, I said "I don't really write material like that, but I still think it's funny" and then you implied that I think my shit doesn't stink.
EDIT: Last line was unncessary. Sorry.
Don't take it personally. That was just my idea of being funny.
"Even gutter hags trump pretty boys." - BabyCakes
Who thinks shit doesn't stink? It does, pretty bad, I think.
edited:inadvertent copy and paste.
I don't know about everybody else, but trying to read these things and give everybody the benefit of the doubt is proving to be impossible. As I hit bits that seem somewhat weak or not fully fleshed-out, I just start reading them in my head in a hacky, shitty comic voice, and I stop thinking objectively and just picture a pot-bellied 55-year-old accountant trying out standup and wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
Learning to give constructive, objective criticism to other comics isn't a bad idea, but I don't think this forum is exactly the best way to do it. Maybe if people recorded their new bits in some format (audio or video, whatevs) and posted it online temporarily for review? I wouldn't leave anything like that up for extended periods of time, unless you like being informed how gay, fat or gayly fat you are by random douchetards, but to see some of this stuff in the context of the performance would help a lot.
For some reason, a few comedians that I don't know have recently started asking me for advice on their act. And then the second I give it to them, the launch into a long speech about what they were "going for."
I don't care what you were going for, and neither does the audience. We only care about what you actually give us onstage. Not only that, they'd rather defend themselves than listen to my advice. If all they want is for me to tell them "good set," we could have just stayed strangers.
Anyway, this thread is a lot like that.
There are multiple aspects to every joke.
When I "workshop" a joke with a friend and I explain what I was going for, I do it because I think the EXECUTION failed and the IDEA is still good. I just didn't convey that idea in a way that expresses why I think it's funny.
Scammy's comments turned into what you were saying because he was being a dick, not because he was giving someone criticism. They're very different things.
So give better criticism, folks. It helps everyone.
I'm a MAN, dammit!
This is why this thread isn't going to work.
Yeah, I wouldn't workshop a joke with strangers.
Strangers give shitty advice.
-
Just be clear, I wouldn't WORKSHOP a joke with strangers, but I would TEST a joke on strangers.
Last edited by bridgetosolace; January 28, 2010 at 4:37 PM.
I'm a MAN, dammit!
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
