Help us with our jokes

[bridgetosolace]

I like how stupid and random the 7th one is (made me smile), and number 8 was clever and I enjoyed it. I'd also keep 3, although it might benefit from rewording. Depends on how you say it, though.

I didn't really see the humor in 5, 1 isn't particularly funny (although ASR's rewrite is an improvement), I could see the punchline to 2 coming a while away. 4 is pointless.

6 isn't a bad joke, but the way it's phrased makes it obvious. "So I was reading the new york times yesterday....apparently there's a blah blah" might work a bit better.

...Honest opinions from someone who's also in the process of putting their first set together. I feel your pain, brother.

[SlyBattery]

Jimmy Carr, is that you?

[epicurine]

snoo snoo!

[souporman]

I could use some critique:

And whats going on with these people who clap at the end of a movie? Hey asshole, its not a fucking play! This isn't mama mia or lion king on ice! And if you keep clapping ill shin kick your testicles so godam hard youll think you were watching the nut cracker in 3d!! But seriously folks, it doesn't make sense why people clap at the end of a movie. Think about it, the audience claps to show appreciation to the artist. Like when I'm done telling my jokes, you guys will clap for me! But in a movie, why fucking bother? No one affiliated is in the audience! Michael Bay isn't sitting next to you eating popcorn fingering himself after every gunshot explosion! Stop clapping, its not like a play where we all clap and afterwards the actor walks on stage and takes a bow. You know keanue reeves isn't going to come out [now i do my keanue reeves voice] Thank you thank you, I like pills! keep clapping, we've gone so far!

And at the end of a play, people yell encore. But how come no one does it at a movie? It would be awesome if at the end of paul blart everyone started yelling encore!
Encore, encore, more more more! Then the employee would tell the manager "uh sir, people are goin wild and out in theatre 7 screaming encore for paul blart. Should I just tell them that the next showing is at 9:15 in theatre 5?" To which the manager replies "No you fool! If the people want paul blart, then god damit will give them paul blart!" Then this fantastic display of artistic appreciation would be the talk around the town, to which the news paper headlines would read "paul blart gives speculator encore performance at AMC!"

[scamboogah]

Way too long?

Plus, basically everyone has done that at some point, so you're threatening to kick everyone in the audience in their testicles. Not exactly crowd work 101...

[bridgetosolace]

The third joke technically should end "...and having AIDS something." but I've made an acceptable compromise.

I kind of appreciate the goofy logic of saying "...and having AIDS something." Try it out both ways and see how it goes.

In case 8 doesn't hit the audience, I will clarify with "Ready, Aim, Fffff- uck".

Even if it does hit the audience, that's a fun tag.

. But maybe that isn't what you meant by pointless.

I get the joke, I just think you could do better than a poop humor. There IS an element of clever, but it just seems like a lame dad joke to me.

I just hear that and think "Really? That's what you came to the table with?"

I definitely want to try all of these with a crowd first, but it's nice to have an idea of where the stronger jokes are, so I can arrange my set accordingly.

Absolutely. I should put an adendum on everything I say, it's just my opinion and how I respond to jokes. Do what you want to do, friend. Oh, and a tip I've always heard is to say your best joke last.

And lastly, the new york times joke is actually a lot easier to get when read. When I've told it to people, the subtle trap at the beginning goes unnoticed and is long forgotten by the time the punchline arrives... so maybe I can just sell that one to bazooka bubble gum or something.

Just in case anything goes wrong, I think bombs should be built with self destruct buttons.

My great uncle used to say sleep is just practice for death. But he had trouble sleeping, so we were all a little nervous... When his time was finally up, our worst fears came true. He didn't die. So we had him cremated

I think both of these are strong.

Keep up the good work.

rant

It might just be the translation into text, but I can't really see any jokes here. It's just kind of an angry rant when you yell at the audience for doing something that's not worth being angry about.

I've seen people do that kind of thing at open mics, and the response generally isn't positive.

[SlyBattery]

I could use some critique:

And whats going on with these people who clap at the end of a movie? Hey asshole, its not a fucking play! This isn't mama mia or lion king on ice! And if you keep clapping ill shin kick your testicles so godam hard youll think you were watching the nut cracker in 3d!! But seriously folks, it doesn't make sense why people clap at the end of a movie. Think about it, the audience claps to show appreciation to the artist. Like when I'm done telling my jokes, you guys will clap for me! But in a movie, why fucking bother? No one affiliated is in the audience! Michael Bay isn't sitting next to you eating popcorn fingering himself after every gunshot explosion! Stop clapping, its not like a play where we all clap and afterwards the actor walks on stage and takes a bow. You know keanue reeves isn't going to come out [now i do my keanue reeves voice] Thank you thank you, I like pills! keep clapping, we've gone so far!

And at the end of a play, people yell encore. But how come no one does it at a movie? It would be awesome if at the end of paul blart everyone started yelling encore!
Encore, encore, more more more! Then the employee would tell the manager "uh sir, people are goin wild and out in theatre 7 screaming encore for paul blart. Should I just tell them that the next showing is at 9:15 in theatre 5?" To which the manager replies "No you fool! If the people want paul blart, then god damit will give them paul blart!" Then this fantastic display of artistic appreciation would be the talk around the town, to which the news paper headlines would read "paul blart gives speculator encore performance at AMC!"

It gets really good when you decide to do the Keanu Reeves voice for the rest of the act.

[Just Brett]

I wrote this one today... any thoughts?

I saw christian vandalism the other day. Someone spray painted on the side of a building that said "Jesus Rules" then I realized I was in a Hispanic neighborhood and it was just regular vandalism.

[drbristol]

I wrote this one today... any thoughts?

I saw christian vandalism the other day. Someone spray painted on the side of a building that said "Jesus Rules" then I realized I was in a Hispanic neighborhood and it was just regular vandalism.

..that said "Jesus Saves" until I realized that not only was I in a Hispanic neighborhood, but damn - here was a guy who totally gets the economy.

[Just Brett]

hah! nice... nice. what to do...

[maxbarth]

Never join a dead-teeneager "R.I.P John Smith" facebook group and write "prove it." DO join a dead teenager facebook group and write "it wasn't an accident". Mystery is better than rudeness.

"But he died from a peanut allergy!"
"...he wasn't eating peanuts."
"Who are you?"

[SlyBattery]

Never join a dead-teeneager "R.I.P John Smith" facebook group and write "prove it." DO join a dead teenager facebook group and write "it wasn't an accident". Mystery is better than rudeness.

"But he died from a peanut allergy!"
"...he wasn't eating peanuts."
"Who are you?"

This is good, it needs no alteration. The only question is how to emphasize "Who are you?" Getting that right could take some trial and error, but overall this is excellent.

[maxbarth]

Thanks guys! Yeah, that one I have yet to perform. I'll give it a go and see what happens.

[the groinery]

I though this was funny, but audiences don't seem to respond to it. Should I keep working on it or drop it?

"...I bet people with wooden legs know how chairs feel. Not because of the wooden legs, but because I always sit on them. And use them to tame lions."

[suavepebble]

I am going to write a joke on-the-fly in under one minute right here right now while taking a laptop poop.

ok got it.


I bet racists with only one finger wish "qwerty" meant something bad about mexicans.



That one was garbage... I can do better. Hold on. One more minute on the clock:

We are lucky Hitler didn't pull a huge penis out of his pants at the end of every speech. Cuz man, I would feel weird watching a porn entitled "White chicks and big black Hitler penises"


(Inspired by constipation, my keyboard, the porno I was watching to help me poop, and a Hitler/racism post on reddit.)

Thank you.

[suavepebble]

Re-reading my shitty joke post made me poop! Thanks, guys!!!!!!

[maxbarth]

Thanks, guys!!!!!!

Oh no, thank you.

[SlyBattery]

I though this was funny, but audiences don't seem to respond to it. Should I keep working on it or drop it?

"...I bet people with wooden legs know how chairs feel. Not because of the wooden legs, but because I always sit on them. And use them to tame lions."

Seems funny to me. Maybe you could add something like,"Come on Pegleg, I need this lion tamed by Friday so I can ride him around at my high school reunion. Oh, you're a lawyer? I ride a lion that was tamed by a man with no legs...sadly he is no longer with us."

Ok, so I just went off on a tangent and arbitrarily added on to your joke. But feel free to use all of that, or the concept or none of it. Your welcome.

[maxbarth]

If you are allowed to lie once during a game of "twenty questions", it makes the game much more interesting. For you. It's shit for the other person.

"Is it a person?"
"Absolutely"

[drbristol]

I though this was funny, but audiences don't seem to respond to it. Should I keep working on it or drop it?

"...I bet people with wooden legs know how chairs feel. Not because of the wooden legs, but because I always sit on them. And use them to tame lions."

And I'm not suggesting pegleg guys are different from you and me - that's prejudiced! Last summer I got drunk at a beach party and threw a pegleg guy into the bonfire 'cause it needed more wood. He screamed just like a guy with two legs.

At least that's what they told me the next day when I first heard this story.