Writing News Jokes

[Berliner]

GM announced yesterday that its Hummer brand would be sold the Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company. In news sure to further upset Hummer Owners, Sichuan Tengzhong announced that it would also be purchasing bald eagles and a down on his luck Toby Keith.

[RubelT]

More than 100 Japanese Bureaucrats from the Transport Ministry are getting training in stand up comedy as part of their training in communication skills. Yeah, that's what you need more of, people with a witty sense of humor running the bus system.

[scamboogah]

More than 100 Japanese Bureaucrats from the Transport Ministry are getting training in stand up comedy as part of their training in communication skills. Yeah, that's what you need more of, people with a witty sense of humor running the bus system.

What I love about this joke is that halfway through, you think to yourself, "Uh-oh, here comes the racist punchline..", and then it never does.

[RubelT]

What I love about this joke is that halfway through, you think to yourself, "Uh-oh, here comes the racist punchline..", and then it never does.

I'll try not to disappoint you next time.

[scamboogah]

A funeral home in South Carolina has been shut down after admitting that they cut the legs off of a 6' 7" man so that he would fit into his casket. The funeral home said, "In our defense, we tried it first with holes cut for the feet to stick out, but that just looked ridiculous".

[klorjne]

On June 1, a manager at a motel in Mesa, Arizona called 911 to report that a man was requesting towels because his girlfriend was miscarrying her 12 to 14-week-old fetus. Caught up in the confusion as to what to do with the miscarriage, one officer ended up flushing the fetus down the toilet. "These situations are very troubling to me, because they tarnish the police department," Mesa Police Cheif George Gascón said in a press conference. Added another officer, "they're troubling to me because some dude flushed a fucking fetus. That's pretty weird."

[MJEH]

Can MJEH post some jokes about doing an open mic at a GM plant, in this thread?

Trust me on this one, "MJEH" can post some jokes about anything. He's a comedic super-genius.

Your query presents a conundrum for me.

Do you mean "car jokes" or "a guy doing an act at a car manufacturing plant" jokes??? Because the first scenario opens itself to a host of material options as where the second one does not.

[scamboogah]

A representative from Air France has told reporters that there is 'No hope of survivors' from flight 447 that is believed to have gone down over the Atlantic. He then coughed into his hand and muttered, "Time travelling island".

[RubelT]

A representative from Air France has told reporters that there is 'No hope of survivors' from flight 447 that is believed to have gone down over the Atlantic. He then coughed into his hand and muttered, "Time travelling island".

Too soon. There needs to be a black box rule for airplane jokes.

[KevinLee]

That joke is not too soon. In two weeks no one will care. Bravo.

[Brian J.]

It would have been easier if you had just posted the link to his blog.

Oh you mean this guy ?

http://jokesthatwontmattertomorrow.blogspot.com/

No, I wanted people to read the story. I found it to be inspirational and probably would be helpful to anyone who aspires to write jokes for a living.

[yumitree]

GM announced yesterday that its Hummer brand would be sold the Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company.

WE DID IT! HIGH FIVE!

if you make another "halfie" comment, i swear to mao i will shut your god damned slanty eyes.

[Berliner]

if you make another "halfie" comment, i swear to mao i will shut your god damned slanty eyes.

That was in facebook, RubelT has no idea what you're talking about.

[Soldering Iron of Justice]

Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi has reacted angrily to the publication in Spain of photographs showing topless women naked at his villa in Sardinia. Berlusconi stated that it was just part of his new open government policy where citizens were encouraged to come to his home personally to get things off their chest.

[scamboogah]

This thread is becoming like 'We are the World', but with sub-rate topical jokes instead of music.

(I'm going to assume that 'Soldering Iron' is from Europe, because in America, we think the PM of Italy is still Chef Boy-ar-Dee...)

[Soldering Iron of Justice]

Sorry Scammy, my Firefox browser is preprogrammed to giving me the BBC headlines first thing in the morning. Here's another one:

The World Health Organization says a vaccine which can prevent diarrhea and vomiting should be given to all children as a routine vaccination. When reached for comment an executive at Taco Bell applauded this as the best thing to happen to our business since the $7 a day tomato picker.

[RubelT]

I think Soldering can single-handedly save this thread.

[scamboogah]

California's Murphy-Goode Winery is looking to fill a position that will have someone twitter about their wines for $10,000 a month. Whoever already owns the handle @Total_Asshole_who_should_totally_eat_a_bullet is highly encouraged to apply.

(If anyone knows what would 'save' this thread, I'm sure it's Rubel...)

[RubelT]

All this time I had a stupid browser.

[MJEH]

"Wesley Eure, who played 'Will' in the 1970's television series 'Land of the Lost', came out as a gay man. In a move of solidarity, 2 Sleestaks and a stop-motion T Rex announced they were coming out of the closet as well."

This is a really stupid joke, but I couldn't get it out of my head. There, it is now.