Writing News Jokes

[scamboogah]

I sincerely hope that you've been working on posting that since 1998, and just have a really slow internet connection.

[JaredM]

Yes but at that time only MS Paint was around and that would not have done this gem justice.

[MJEH]

Tufts University: No sex in room while roommate is present.


"ASR" wonders if this includes masturbation...???

[Adult Ed]

Israel has agreed to release 20 Hamas prisoners in exchange for a video showing Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit alive and well. 20 prisoners for a video? When did Senate Democrats start handling hostage negotiations for Israel?

[Adult Ed]

A Fort Pierce woman threw a table leg through a window when her boyfriend refused to buy more Natural Light Ice. Al Davis then signed the woman for 3 years at $10 million per season.

[Berliner]

Rio De Janeiro has officially won the bid to host the 2016 Olympics. The news was greeted with enthusiasm by the citizens of Rio, who promised that the kidnapped Olympic Committee family members would be released in the upcoming weeks.

[KevinLee]

Rio De Janeiro has officially won the bid to host the 2016 Olympics. Tens of thousands of the cities residents began celebrating upon hearing the good news but really they would have partied no matter what the outcome.

[MJEH]

"Late night talk show host David Letterman has admitted to having sexual relations with some of his female staff members. The staffers should have been aware of the possibility of this happening because when they applied for jobs on the show the only positions available were 'Missionary' or 'Doggy Style' ."

EDIT: Thanks to "charles star"!

[Adult Ed]

"Late night talk show host David Letterman has admitted to having sexual relations with some of his female staff members. The staffers should have been aware of the possibility of this happening when, on their employment applications, the only positions available were 'Military' or 'Doggy Style' ."

Missionary?

[RubelT]

A tearful Kate Gosselin is accusing her ex husband Jon of withdrawing $200,000 from a joint account that they shared leaving her with only $1000 and unable to pay the bills. Jon responded to the accusation saying he needed the money for his new reality show "Jon Plus $200,000."

[Berliner]

Better than usual!

[RubelT]

President Obama has just won the Nobel Peace Prize for Effort. The selection committee cited "his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples", and added "oh and thanks for not bombing Rio."

[MJEH]

"Playboy announced that the November issue will feature cartoon character Marge Simpson on the cover, including a pictorial and centerfold. The magazine said it's trying to attract a younger audience. Future issues will feature a centerfold of Ariel from 'The Little Mermaid', a coloring contest, and an interview with Spongebob Squarepants."

[MJEH]

Finis.

[JasonClemmer]

The Nobel Prize for Economics was awarded today. In keeping with their current theme, the Nobel Foundation awarded the prize to the talking baby from the ETrade commercials.

[DiscoInferiorityComplex]

Rush Limbaugh has reportedly been dropped by an investment group looking to purchase the St. Louis Rams. While his fellow investors had anticipated their offer to be somewhat scrutinized due to Limbaugh's past controversial statements, one partner was quoted as saying "I never fully imaged the stench that would rub off on us from Rush Limbaugh's taint".

[JPSpaulding]

I tell you what, I aint eatinin at Poppa Johns any more...I only eat at Motherfuckin pizza parlors, no daughter fuckers, no siree, a yuck

[RubelT]

Authorities in Larimer County Colorado have said that the 'balloon boy"
incident was a hoax. During an interview on Larry King Live when the boy was
asked why he did not come out of hiding when he was called for he replied
"You guys said we did this for the show." TLC and Lifetime were prepared to
offer the family lucrative Reality Show deals but have since taken them back
claiming the boy's total lack of bullshit skills would make him impossible to
work with.

[RubelT]

The mother of the "balloon boy" has come forward and admitted that she and her husband knew their son was hiding in the house and that they told their children to lie to the authorities and media about the hoax. Apparently "lie to the authorities and media" sounds a lot like "tell the truth" to 9 year olds.

[RubelT]

A United Airline pilot has been arrested after allegedly drinking too much
before entering the cockpit on a flight from London to Chicago. The pilot's
actions have been called "careless" and "un-sully-like."