Writing News Jokes

[SlyBattery]

Some sad news from Hollywood. Longtime celebrity couple Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have split up after 23 years together. (Audience: Awwwwwww.) Sources say that the problems arose when it became obvious to Susan that the film itself wasn't the only "Dead Man Walking" in their relationship (Jay glances toward his penis).

(Kevin plays joke-inspired guitar riff)

[Having Fun!]

How can he see his penis under that huge chin?

[darrylduffy]

Another alleged mistress of Tiger Woods' has come out of the 'Woods'work. Sources close to his estranged wife have reported that Elin Nordegren has relocated to Sweden and changed her name to Elin NOT AGAIN! Can you believe this guy!?

[douglass]

NBC confirmed that Jay Leno will be moving back to his 11:35 time slot following the Winter Olympics. Bad news for Conan O'Brien, and also for insomniacs who must now stay up an additional 95 minutes to fall asleep in front of Jay Leno.

The New England Patriots shocked the sports world Sunday, when, like Tiger Woods, they were badly beaten at home.

The Huffington Post recently began the Move Your Money campaign, urging citizens to take their money out of large national banks that received bailout money, and redeposit that money in local banks. The movement now has over 19,000 fans on Facebook. Asked for comment, 18,990 of them said they love the idea, but have no idea where to find a local bank.

Dr. Herbert Spiegel, who popularized hypnosis, died this week at 95. The cause of death was cited as a case of being 'very very sleeeeeepy.'

[Reverend Pudding]

I've just recently begun writing political satire. I write from a mock right wing perspective, but in a style significantly different from Stephen Colbert's.

They're are a couple of my "Girther Movement" reports in my blog here, and "Para-Sailing with Sarah Palin" under the title "Political Satire" in the Stage Time forum.

I'd like to trade feedback with anyone interested. I'm thinking of starting a thread called "The Feedback Exchange" or something along those lines, in the Stage Time forum. Writers/performers can direct one another to their work and trade critiques.

[AliasRomanian]

1/13/2010
Last night Haiti, a poverty stricken country, was hit with a 7.0 magnitude earthquake. Citizens were worried the quake would ruin their livelihood, then after it was over they looked around and continued with their daily lives of not having anything.

[Charles Pepper]

1/13/2010
Last night Haiti, a poverty stricken country, was hit with a 7.0 magnitude earthquake. Citizens were worried the quake would ruin their livelihood, then after it was over they looked around and continued with their daily lives of not having anything.

Classy.

[James Smann]

In light of recent events, the National Office of Cliche has re-written an old classic:

"Out with old; in with the new; out with the new; in with the bland, milquetoast big-chinned piece of shit."

[scamboogah]

1/13/2010
Last night Haiti, a poverty stricken country, was hit with a 7.0 magnitude earthquake. Citizens were worried the quake would ruin their livelihood, then after it was over they looked around and continued with their daily lives of not having anything.

This is one of the worst jokes I've ever read for several reasons. First, it's tasteless without being funny, but even worse than that, it's structured horribly. The 'punchline', for lack of a better word, is that Haiti is too poor to have a livelihood, which is tipped and explained IN THE FIRST SENTENCE.

This is like starting a Polish joke with, "Polish people, who have a reputation for being dumb and would therefore need to pool resources for common tasks like lightbulb changing..."

F-

[souporman]

The only thing more sad than an earthquake killing hundreds of thousands in Haiti is if earthquake killed hundreds of thousands in Haiti!!!




btw good marketing of the "about got damm time"
because if an actual earthquake could talk, i'd expect it to say something like that

[AliasRomanian]

1/14/2010
Earlier this week google decided to lift it's censorship on search results in China after finding out that the government hacked into their email system. The purpose of the hack was to gain ownership of sought after email address KimLee @gmail.com.

[Harry Bongers]

How do you dislike posts again?

[darrylduffy]

After hearing Robert Pattinson's comments about Haiti, I dunno millions of people switched over to Team Jacob.

[Soldering Iron of Justice]

In light of the recent events in Haiti the people of the Cayman Islands were jarred this morning when what was first reported as a 5.8 magnitude earthquake turned out to be just another bank literally collapsing under the weight of the trillions in cash stored in one of Dick Cheney's offshore accounts.

[James Smann]

After a tepid response from consumers and tech bloggers alike, Apple has announced they are working on the iPad's successor already. They hope to the market penetration will be much deeper with the iPon which is to hit shelves sometime in 2011. One employee at Apple was quoted as saying the iPad will still be popular amongst older baby-boomers and those wishing to keep their portable device on overnight.

[scamboogah]

I don't get it.

[Harry Bongers]

I really don't get it. I think that Polish guy's dog-shit-spatula-egg joke made more sense.

[James Smann]

What about now?

After a tepid response from consumers and tech bloggers alike, Apple has announced they are working on the iPad's successor already. They hope to the market penetration will be much deeper with the iPon which is to hit shelves sometime in 2011. One employee at Apple was quoted as saying the iPad will still be popular amongst older baby-boomers and those wishing to keep their portable device on overnight.

[thegreg]

Well. I liked it. Maybe get to the "and those wishing to keep their portable device on overnight. " line (which I think is the best payoff in there) faster,leave out some of the weight in the middle.

[JuanCarlos]

It's a tampon joke.

let me try!

Insider sources report Apple is working on an unprecedented peripheral that will their new benchmark tablet interface with Microsoft's flagship gaming console. Letting users actually insert an Ipad on their Xbox. Early consumer tests report complaints of overheating and foul odors coming from their ports.