Writing News Jokes

[Brian J.]

A missing 8-year-old California girl was found dead in a suitcase in a dairy-farm pond. Dairy farm owner Sam Sonite had no comment.

Ha ha ha. You are the king of the anti joke.

Edit: I meant to quote the spicy meat ball joke

[darrylduffy]

Lindsay Lohan said, "I felt like I was in 'Mean Girls', but worse: 'Mean Girls' was a movie." Bad news for LiLo, she WAS in 'Mean Girls'!

[Pleated Jeans]

These aren't exactly news related, but I recently attempted a top ten list in the style of The Late Show.

The Top Reasons Bank Robbers Get Caught

• Wheelman refuses to take off his “I Robbed Chase Bank and All I Got Was All Their Money” t-shirt
• After receiving the loot, robber immediately hands it back to the teller and requests a deposit
• Pantyhose masks find their way into everyday wardrobe rotation
• Teller ignores the “Honor System,” calls the police anyway
• The “More Money” button the leader keeps pushing turns out to be the silent alarm
• Robbers think a RadioShack price scanner is the same as a RadioShack police scanner
• Photos taken for the commemorative scrapbook find their way onto the nightly news
• Inside man thinks scouting the bank involves selling Samoas and Thin Mints to co-workers
• The getaway vehicle is a Big Wheel tricycle
• Despite a trigger-happy gunman, hostages fail to be subdued by the Super Soaker water pistol

[JPSpaulding]

People keep talking about poor Octomoms kids, what about the kids of that poor Octupus she raped and murdered, (what about them)?



People are saying that Octomom wants to be like Angelina Jolie. They both have a lot of kids and big lips, plus Octomom is starring in an upcoming movie called "Womb Raider."



People are people so why should it be, You and I should get to pay taxes so that octomom can sit around and raise a brood of reality tv stars, a whole real world road rules challenge has fallen out of her vagina.

[RubelT]

The crew of a US ship has regained control after being hijacked by somali
pirates. They were shocked and disappointed to find that the pirates were skinny men with no missing limbs or eyepatches.

actor Kal Penn who played Kumar in the movie "harold and Kumar go to white castle" will now
be going to the white castle alone.

[MJEH]

One of the stars of the movie "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" has been offered a position in the Obama administration. When asked for comment the White House said "That kid who fucked the pie turned us down."

This is funny!

RE: My "GM/Madonna" joke (I'm too lazy to do a post with multiple quotes from other posts. Besides, who am I, "PG-13"???)

Thanks for the LOLs!

The reason it seems verbose is because I "hear" jokes as if they were being performed by Letterman, as in his monologues. (Maybe I'm just
"dreaming of a white Christmas", but I can always hope can't I??)
And he always prefaces his one-liners with an explanatory set-up.
But if you're doing a 5-minute bit, then you would have to edit it.

Here's a couple of lame attempts...

"Michael Jackson announced a comeback concert series in London.
He was drowned out frequently by the sound of preteen boys screaming
and running away."

"The earthquake in Italy is claiming many lives. The official announcement
made was, 'This earthquake has killed more Italians than Francis Ford
Coppola' ".

[scamboogah]

"The earthquake in Italy is claiming many lives. The official announcement
made was, 'This earthquake has killed more Italians than Francis Ford
Coppola' ".

You might want to steer clear of recent tragedy. The phrase 'too soon' exists for a reason. Plus, this is just a clumsily re-worked version of the 'killed more people than Cecil B DeMille' line from Blazing Saddles.

[scamboogah]

Is that even a joke?

[darrylduffy]

did you guys see mine earlier? i'd like some feedback thanks.

[scamboogah]

A State representative in Texas was quoted as saying that if Asian people want to vote in this country, they should change their names to something more 'accessible to Texans'. In response, the center for the Houston Rockets will now be known as 'Yahoo Trucknuts'...

Darryl: It took a couple reads for me to get it, but I'm kind of dense. Kudos.

[DiscoInferiorityComplex]

did you guys see mine earlier? i'd like some feedback thanks.

Punctuation makes it confusing. Lack of additional setup and context also makes it confusing, made worse by the fact the joke only works if you are unaware of the context.

[ProfessorShutYoMouth]

People keep talking about poor Octomoms kids, what about the kids of that poor Octupus she raped and murdered, (what about them)?

Shit is fuckin' funny.

[Umlaut]

Yeah, so far I say TenJay has won the thread...

[RubelT]

FBI hostage negotiators joined U.S. Navy efforts to free an American cargo ship captain held captive by Somali pirates. When asked for a ransom amount an unidentified pirate spokesman said "We are tired of being called pirates. In exchange for the captain's life you will now refer to us as 'ninjas of the sea'."

[yumitree]

NEWS JOKES:

One day, Rachael Maddow came home and was greeted by her wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."
So she tied her up and went fishing.

Why can't Rick Sanchez be a fireman?
Because he can't tell the difference between Jose and hose b.

[ProfessorShutYoMouth]

Why can't Rick Sanchez be a fireman?
Because he can't tell the difference between Jose and hose b.

I have forwarded this to the makers of Laffy Taffy for inclusion on their wrappers (with proper credit to yumitree, of course)

[aenemaTron]

What happened to the thread rating option? I want to rate this thread, badly. Note comma.

[DiscoInferiorityComplex]

France's anti-doping agency accused Lance Armstrong yesterday of breaking the rules by showering before being tested for drugs. Meanwhile, France's anti-<i>showering</i> agency had no comment.

[darrylduffy]

Punctuation makes it confusing. Lack of additional setup and context also makes it confusing, made worse by the fact the joke only works if you are unaware of the context.

this is confusing.

[darrylduffy]

Aw thanks, buddy ... I was a bit self-conscious there for a minute.

EDIT: Oops, I wasn't the Darryl you were talking about. Damn.

and what the fuck is it about this site that theres like 7 different darryls here now? where are you guys advertising.